~R-omance

I need some sort of structure, or purpose. I suppose I must be an incredible individual, though, as I've managed to maintain a state of utter chaos that remains, miraculously, stagnant, lethargic and unmoving. It's almost surreal, eye-of-the-storm shit.

things will change when I catch up with who I am, I guess. till then it's still sleeping in, no future, ridiculously strong coffee I can't believe I like, and a confusing mix of Fred Astaire and Sex Pistols videos, Amy Winehouse jazz and Norma Jean insanity.

I'm wishing lately that therapists didn't charge 100+/hour. But I'm sure if they didn't I'd find myself with nothing relevant to say and incapable of saying it.

I'm going to have to invest in a new computer, fuck, and probably mp3 device if I hope to survive next school year.

i fucking love going to shows so much.

I am sick of being me. I am sick of not being able to make it through things, not being able to suck it up and stick it out. I'm tired of hating myself and tired of giving myself so much reason to. I am tired of never being able to make up my mind, I'm tired of being so confused.
I hate loving people, because it makes me so reluctant to be angry, and I want to be angry. I want to stop giving up on how I feel, going with shit, not taking this frustration out on anyone. I'm sick of being fat and boring and tired all the time, of not getting anything done, of not having a job or money or going out or doing things I enjoy. I'm such a stupid worn out mess, and I don't know why.
I just can't get shit right, and I'm tired of taking it out on me. Maybe if I could hurt other people, things would balance out. I honestly daydream about how I could ruin their lives, I hate them I hate them and I hate how I agree to their self-appointed superiority. I don't want to be on the bottom anymore.

No, I don't know why, either.

Well, I love french cheese and french fashion. French music is cool, and french people are quite lovely. French class, on the other hand, is the stuff of nightmares. It comprises every scholastic activity that I really can't stand. Skits, group work, endless tedious writing and correcting, and limited ability for self expression seeing as you just really don't have the vocab or grammar needed to say what you really really want. At least, my french skills aren't good enough, and my ideas are too big.

Also, I feel like I'm not actually learning any of the fundamentals of the language. By now I suppose we should already know the basics, but I don't feel as though I was ever really taught them in the first place, so what the hell am I supposed to do?

At least it's only up hill from here. I hope. But then, what's so great about uphill? It takes way more energy, that's for sure.

This green tea isn't green!

Here comes the sun, y'all. I'm excited. And I've found my style, so no more experimental statements. It's nice to sort of know where you are and what you like.


Current projects are all textiles.

-modifying an embroidered, peach, indian dress into a short vest.

-man's old grey button down = improve shape. maybe add floral.